Trout Rage

"would ask you to do things that ... you might not think were safe,"

Ralph — Wed, 12 Mar 2008 02:31:00 GMT

Kristen responded by saying: "I have a way of dealing with that. ... I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want the sex?"

Note to Kristen:

- You fuck guys for money... well Thats not safe.

- For $ 5,000 bucks an hour, put on the Bo Peep costume, shove the cucumber up your ass and jump out of the plane, and shut the fuck up.
I know I would!

Note to Elliot:

- Tunnel queens don't keep records and cost a lot less, what's a little adams apple gonna hurt?

- $ 5,000 bucks, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Two words Elliot " South East Asian New York State International Business Partnering Meeting and Leadership Conference" wink wink

You could have had an entire girls school over there for that kind of coin, and when you were done you could have had them deep fried and sent home for your daughters " International Culinary Festival" fund raiser at
whatever pretentious private school you send them too.

By the way Elliot girls that cost $ 5000 bucks an hour don't say thinks like this
" I'd be, like, listen, dude, you really want the sex?"

You were robbed!

The Pilgrims were not the only ones who came in the Mayflower!

Ralph — Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:02:00 GMT

Sure , this is all very embarrassing.

But you knows what is even worse, forgetting to put your dentures in before the press conference.

This is too easy...

Ralph

Welcome to Chubb Form Studios

Ralph — Wed, 27 Feb 2008 02:21:00 GMT

Welcome to Chubb Form Studios...

And if you can't laugh at him you can laugh at me...

Oscar Smoshcar!

Ralph — Sun, 24 Feb 2008 23:36:00 GMT

Well tonights the big night!

And I am all alone, left to watch the Oscars by my self.
That means I am not watching the Oscars.
In fact I really hate award shows.
There is nothing like a bunch of folks all patting themselves on the back,
right after they finish stabbing each other in the back.

My wife is in Florida with the kids and if I know whats good for me, I will not call
her after this show begins. I have never quite understood her fascination with this well
orchestrated hoax, but its one of her big TV nights of the year, so I best not fuck it up for her.
However, I do know that when any of the following movies are on TV,
I demand absolute silence as if I had never seen them before. So I figure it must somehow
roughly translate to her need to watch the Oscars.

Jaws
The Godfather
Bridge over the River Kwai
Animal House
Caddyshack
( there are at least 30 more, but these are the ones that pop into mind)

That leaves me to my Oscar picks as I cant resist a good bet, well this is not really a good bet
as I have not seen one of these movies and have heard even less, it really makes me a perfect juror
for this with complete objectivity.

I will stick with the Big 5, although I have odds on one of the Key Grips!

BEST PICTURE
"No Country for Old Men" (Miramax and Paramount Vantage)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE
Tommy Lee Jones in "In the Valley of Elah" (Warner Independent)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Philip Seymour Hoffman in "Charlie Wilson’s War" (Universal)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE
Marion Cotillard in "La Vie en Rose" (Picturehouse)

PERFORMANCE BY AN ACTRESS IN A SUPPORTING ROLE
Amy Ryan in "Gone Baby Gone" (Miramax)

My criteria for these picks was based on me cutting and pasting all the nominations from a
list on Varietys web page and then randomly deleting 4 out of 5 of those picks.
Science!

You know , when you do a search on the internet for Awards Shows,
you find all kind of interesting stuff!

I guess you already know where I am going with this, but I highly suggest you
take a moment to see just how far the Adult Film Industry has come. ( I kill me. )

http://www.avnawards.com/index.php?content=galleries

Now I am not sure where you were on January 12th, but I was glued to the network airing
of the 25th annual AVN awards.

Let me tell you something, this is a "Classy Event" with David Navvaro and Artie Lang making guest
appearances , its downright mainstream.

There are more categories at this awards show than the Oscars by far.
The actors , actresses, producers, well just about everybody you can see in the photo's just seem
happier than the so called main stream performers at the Oscar ceremony.

As I scrolled down the winners list, I realized this is truly an ethical honest awards ceremonies where
plain old folks judge each other for there work and not for all the petty Hollywood politics.

Who could argue that the awards were given where due when you glance at just a small
few winners from the list...

Who could argue this one?

Best Fem-Dom Strap-On Release
Title	Babes Ballin' Boys 17
Company	Pleasure Productions

It about time we honor Omar and Poppy !

Best Sex Scene in a Foreign-Shot Production
Actor(s)	Gianna, Vanessa Hill, Sarah James, Marsha Lord, Poppy Morgan, Kelly Stafford, Jazz Duro, Omar Galanti, Kid Jamaica & Joachim Kessef
Title	Furious Fuckers Final Race
Company	Rocco Siffredi/Evil Angel

Dead on!

And when they did the Hall of Fame presentation, I just teared up.

Hall of Fame
Actor	Brittany Andrews
Actor	Jay Ashley
Actor	Skye Blue
Actor	Jake Jacobs
Actor	Angel Kelly
Actor	Dyanna Lauren
Actor	Michael Raven
Actor	Raylene
Actor	Ruby
Actor	Alexandra Silk
Actor	Angela Summers
Actor	Tasha Voux

You know what, the hell with it, now I'm in the mood for some real old fashion Awards Ceremony action.
I making popcorn!
Let me see if I can catch Joan Rivers on the Red Carpet.

I'll see you guys tomorrow collecting my winnings from book maker.

Ralph

Bass Masters, Insomnia and Oxycodone!

Ralph — Sat, 23 Feb 2008 13:52:00 GMT

Well, its day three since the shoulder surgery. At last count I have slept maybe 6 hours since I woke up
after surgery on Wednesday.

Not sure why I am reacting this way to meds, but the fun part of the fabled "Oxy" buzz we hear so much
about is long over and now I am just down right giving myself the creeps.

Last night when I finally thought I could get a couple winks in around midnight, I immediately got the bed
spins and then fell into a semi sleep / hallucinatory state where I think I had portaled my self into one of the
worst all time low budget horror flicks from the 1970’s , "Let's Scare Jessica to Death," that my wife and
I had watched a couple weeks ago. My nightmare was much scarier than the actual movie and involved me
being chased by Sony Bono and Robert Goulet whom had whisked me off to an abandoned farm in the
Catskills where they dressed me up in a mini skirt with high black gogo boots and made me stand on a
coffee table and repeatedly sing and dance "These boots were made for walking" by Nancy Sinatra.
It was awful.

The shear terror propelled me out of the nether world and back to an all nighter with the remote,
that concluded with the sequel to Saturday Night Fever, " Stayin’ Alive", now I know why
John Travolta was virtually invisible for the next ten years, wow, what a career wrecker that film was.

Anyhow, I had the 7 am kickoff of fishing shows to now look forward to.

If you were not aware, the 2008 Bass Masters kicked off yesterday and ESPN is there to capture all the glory.
The leader board looked like this at the end of yesterday, with New Jerseys own at the forefront. Go Mike!

Michael Iaconelli: 22 pounds
Scott Rook: 21 pounds, 10 ounces
Charlie Hartley: 20 pounds, 3 ounces
Terry Scroggins: 18 pounds
Kevin VanDam: 17 pounds, 8 ounces
Cliff Pace: 17 pounds
Alton Jones: 15 pounds, 6 ounces
Aaron Martens: 15 pounds, 2 ounces
Kotaro Kiriyama: 14 pounds, 8 ounces
Kelly Jordon: 14 pounds, 8 ounces
Dave Wolak: 14 pounds, 8 ounces

Then something occurred to me!

Who gives a shit!

The bass masters is truly where life imitates art if you consider Will Farrell movies ( that I love) art.
You heard it here first but 5 will get you 10 that sooner or later there will be a movie parodying the
"Bass Masters" counter culture, and it will star Will Farrell and Ben Stiller or any of the shameless
comedians from that genre’ that I have grown to admire and respect.

Lets ask a question to the programming guys at all the outdoorsy TV stations.

What the fuck?

I get it your in the business of selling advertising. I can respect that. The Bass guys spend big bucks,
as do the offshore anglers and the Hunters, but whats happening to fly fishing on TV?

Every week I get to watch Chris and Melissa Fischer and their awesome life and chef living the dream,
however, its very clear they really are into to snorkeling and spear fishing. I mean how much of the crap
is really selling in the outdoors market? Yes, Melissa is cute and a good sport, but she’s not that hot to keep
the show running all these years, I just don’t get it.

So back to fly fishing shows. There has been no shortage of them, but there has definitely been a
downward trend towards regular programming. A new show comes on; its great, and then you never see it again.

Now there is a trend of E Zines and Fly Fishing videos on the net. They are great, but the reality is,
I want to sit in my lazy boy and watch it on TV.

So here it is, Fly Fishing advertisers, help me, please!

Pick a show any show, sponsor it, lock in a time and count your money.

Sure fly fisherman are fickle, but we are still in the big picture just as vulnerable to the secret brain waves broadcast

through TV advertising.

Please, please, please save Saturday and Sunday morning.

Hey I have to go, the gang from Laugh In are at the front door and we are all going to Denny’s for breakfast,

and I need to snort another Vicodin.

Ralph

Moon over my Hammy!

Ralph — Thu, 21 Feb 2008 12:49:00 GMT

Well, yesterdays surgery went well...

I was under the knife for about 2.5 hours, and apparently got more than I bargained for.

Aside from removing an odd shaped bone spur they also repaired some cartilage tear that was not anticipated,
so recovery is going to take a little longer than I anticipated.

Bone Spur....

Regardless, I was in recovery room for a couple more hours, shamelessly eating pound cake and
cheesy crackers to my hearts delight, and was sent packing with my Oxy script and made haste to the CVS.

We all know last night was the well anticipated lunar eclipse, something I have been anxious to see.

Luckily for me pain killers have a Paradoxical effect and totally wire me.

So me and some post surgical buddies took a walk up to the top of the reservation to try and film the eclipse.
I have an awful camera that was useless, but i did get about an hour of video.

Since I am wired and a one arm bandit I did the best I could to edit this down to about 5 minutes, including
all my new hippie friends who were also up there to howl at the moon.

I was going to do the cliché mix with Dark Side of the Moon dubbed in , but I'm just to lazy.

I have included a moon song list, you can do it yourselves!

Ralph

pick a song, any song ....

When you get caught between the moon and New York City…

Moondance

Dark side of the moon

Moonshadow

Moonriver

Shine On Harvest Moon

Blue Moon

Dancin' in the Moonlight

By the Light of the Silvery Moon

Bad moon rising

Harvest moon

Mad man moon

Man on the moon

Midnight moonlight

Moonchild

Mississippi moon

Moonlight mile

Mountains of the moon

Picasso moon

Yellow moon

Standing on the moon

Walking on the moon

Shoot down the moon

Mr. Moonlight

Moonchild

Children of the moon

Bark at the moon

Bad side of the moon

Fly me to the moon

Moonlight serenade

With a boulder on my shoulder, feelin' kinda older...

Ralph — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 01:32:00 GMT

In the past several months I have been informed by my medical staff that, that at 44 years old
it amazing, considering my past lifestyle, how well I am doing. ( see " Glass Half Full " ).

However, they also advised me of a litany of small problems that I am going to have to address through
Diet, Exercise, Medication and Out patient Surgery.

After removing sugar from my diet for the Borderline Diabetes, A regimen of Steroids to knock out an ear
infection that cost me some considerable hearing loss, suggesting I start taking some medication to prevent my stomach from eating my esophagus for a condition known as Barret's Syndrome and a few complimentary sample
packs of Viagra in the event I have the desire to get the marshmallow in the parking meter, its been a long couple
months.

Today, well in a couple hours they are going in to " Scope" out my shoulder. The plan is to remove a Titleist ProV
made of calcium and that should do the trick. However I have been forewarned that if they find any issues like Labrum or Rotator Cuff problems, they will fix them as well.
The net/net is that best case scenario is that I will have my left arm in a sling for several weeks, do physical therapy for a couple months and be ready for the Hendrickson's Hatch in early may.

Worse case scenario is that I am out for this fishing season.

The good news is, that when I leave today I should have enough Vicodin, that if Hans and Frans want to bring over Happy the Rhino for a little card game to keep me company, well I'm In!

Ralph

You've come a long way baby!

Ralph — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 21:49:00 GMT

The times they are a changing.

You know when I was little a kid ( 1970's ), occasionally you would see an add like this in the
back of a fairly legitimate magazine.

Now when I say legitimate magazine, I am talking about the Parade magazine that comes in the
Sunday Circular and that sort of caliber of fine academic publication. Usually the adds were in the
back next to the unstainable polyester mens belt less stretch slacks and the he man supplement pills.
The adds for these " Facial Tension Relieving Devices " used to mesmerize me, as down deep I knew
in my heart of hearts that there must be some other uses for this, but alas, I really was a dope,
and had no idea what it must be.

Now this little box, that probably was a big seller and assuredly available at fine stores like
Spencers Gifts, is reassuring in the sense that people were just as deviant then as they are now.
In fact if you do your homework, and I have, you will find there is an entire school of anthropology
devoted to the history of similar devices that date all the way back to the Flintstones...... WILMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Luckily for you I have decided just to cover the highlights in the history of my own lifetime.

Now when I last checked there was only three hours left on the auction on ebay for this little gem and it
was still listed at $ 5.99 , so all you collectors, get to it. For those discriminating buyers the package looks
to be intact batteries and all, so I would rate this in "Mint/ Unused" condition from a collectors standpoint.

I am sure most of you are asking yourselves? Where is the Rage?
Clearly this is an educational post and quite interesting, but we really want Ralph's offbeat and whit.

Here is the source of it and what prompted this post.

This is the "KY Touch" Gift with Purchase Set now available at your local pharmacy.

Well, I guess your all wondering why this would set me off.

Clearly I am no prude, in fact some might say "Ralph, your a fucking freak dude, stay away from me
and my family."
In fact my wife said that to me just the other day, but thats not the point.

The point is this, long ago and far away as young adults we all had to go through certain rights of passage.
The guys had to learn to buy condoms and the gals had to buy " Gal stuff "
We were all embarrassed, and in fact in some ways we still are.
But now that we are all older and have had colonoscopies and polyps removed and all kinds of unpleasant procedures with a team of 28 year old Doogie Housers holding our collective sacks up while some hottie
from Kuala Lumpor is getting her residency in the US so she can go home and save the life of an international Heroin Smuggler from her home land is inserting enough Fiber Optic in our ass's to bring FIOS to 100 new homes, our humility has wained.

So back to the gift with purchase. You see my local pharmacy has decided that the perfect place to put every embarrassing item is on the shelves where you stand in line to pick up you prescriptions. Not behind a counter,
not in some hidden dark isle on the top shelves out of reach and sight of children and the squeamish, but right there in the isle of shame.

As you approach the line, and there is always a long line at the pharmacy, because of all the disputes about
insurance co pays and, oxycodone addicted housewives trying to pull a fast one with sixteen different
prescriptions,
you slow down into this long line and on your right hand side that no one looks at or dares to, and they
all stare at the floor for fear of being caught even being curious.
First its the feminine hygiene products, then the Douches, Then its the Waxing Gear, Next its the Condoms
( I take personal offense to the Magnums), and now right at the end of the line two customers away from the prescription counter is where you really have to gather all your strength not to look.
Because here is the wall of lubrication, and I mean wall. There is warming gels, lubra beads, moisteners.
This must be big business, because for every name brand product and clearly KY is the market leader,
there is a cheapie CVS brand. I mean is this the time to save a buck? If your gonna lube up you might
as well go with a tried and true product.

And then right at the end cap from top to bottom is the this Gift With purchase Item. Now go back up
and take a look at that Gift. What the fuck is that thing? A personal massager as stated on the box?
This looks like someone in R&D took to much acid and decided to invent a Dildo for people in the land of Munch's "The Scream."

Once again, I am no prude. I just don't want to see this crap when I am in line with little old ladies
picking up there calcium pills for Osteoporosis, mothers with sick kids and snickering teenage girls
who are picking up there I wanna be a whore NOW 1 period per year super contraceptive pills that
are gonna give them grapefruit size tumors growing out of there taint 15 years from now.

Call me old fashioned.

Now what people do at home or on the Internet is there own business, and if some say this site
is offensive, and I'm a hypocrite, so be it, don't read it or let your kids read it. The Rhinos got your goat?
well he's got all our goat, but he still just an animal, even though we all have Rhino Envy now.
But please keep this crap off the main isle in the local Pharmacy.

On an upbeat note , getting way back to the history theme started in the beginning of this entry.
I found this little baby on the Internet while doing my academic research for this piece,
that brings us right into 2008.

OH MI BOD!

Who would a thunk it.
Somewhere there's a Hungover Jedi wondering what the fuck he did with his light saber last night.
Well the quants over in R&D got busy and integrated it with an I POD.

Have a nice Valentines Everyone!

-Ralph-

Why I do not have a fish tank.

Ralph — Mon, 04 Feb 2008 21:44:00 GMT

You may want to turn down the speakers if you are at work, or near small children, but without them this video is meaningless.

Warning, This Blog will self destruct in 15 seconds!

Ralph — Fri, 01 Feb 2008 19:51:00 GMT

We all remember what the first rule back at Spy School was, don't we?

Do NOT get caught!

Kill yourself, eat the microfilm, hit the ejector button and so on.

Well than, what the Fuck were the brainiacs at NASA and the Pentagon thinking when they sent this
"Spy Satellite" up into space without a self destruct button?

From the news I have read, this bus sized satellite should re enter the atmosphere in about 30 - 60 days.

And its headed towards North America, maybe, kinda of, sort of.

These are the same folks that are telling us they are tracking the Near Earth Objects, maybe, kinda of, sort of.

Gives you a warm fuzzy deep inside doesn't it.

You know the Discovery Learning Geographic Channel spends most of its time warning us that some serious shit will be going down, "NOT IF BUT WHEN", and when it does the odds of the human race surviving are slim to none, but if we do survive , Monday Night football is going to be the Chuds vs Morlocks !

So why is it that we can't even think through putting a satellite into space without going through a simple check list

1. What goes up must come down.

At this point in the meeting someone needed to raise there hand and say " Hey maybe we should put a self destruct button on this baby. " There is one for sale on ebay for $ 20 .00 bucks and the Auction ends in 5 minutes.

But hey no one likes to point out the obvious and look like a suck up in the meetings.

I am going to be so pissed if this thing hits my house. I just put together a fusball table for the kids this
past Christmas and it took me almost 6 hours.

In the words of the infamous Heinrich Himmler , that he muttered before he bit into that cyanide tablet....

"Achtung Baby"

Ralph

Give us 22 minutes and we will give you the Ralph!

Ralph — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 22:23:00 GMT

As some of you may have noticed, the Deer Hunt I spoke about in an earlier entry started this past Tuesday. It was given a fair amount of media attention.
From what I read, they Hunters culled the heard on Tuesday by about 60 + , a good start.

As I was wondering my neighborhood , playing junior G Man that day, I ran into some reporters and was asked a few questions. I was able to get a copy of my 15 seconds of fame, bare with it , as the first 15 seconds is a commercial.

Click for Sound Bite!

Ralph

Oh yea...I got my Sign!

Skyrockets in Flight, afternoon delight!

Ralph — Tue, 29 Jan 2008 01:41:00 GMT

Submitted for your approval, one Wylie T Fishpants caught in what appears to be a special lingering
glance with a rainbow trout. Concerned, I debriefed Wylie on this matter, and soon it was clear what
was really happening. The trout was begging Wylie to kill it! Why would such a fine fish seek relief from
this mortal coil.
Why? Damn it ! Why ?

Well this may be to harsh for some of you viewers but look if you must.

Look at the beak on this poor bastard, not to mention, half of the inside of his mouth is hanging out.

Yikes!

Clearly the fish was no worse for wear as it had apparently survived an insurmountable amount of foes,
including the one that once bit off his nose!

Well, those of you that know the stretch along the Pequest river that we fished today, also know that
these fish get to see their fair share.

Perhaps we should all take a moment to consider our collective fish handling techniques.

I have made my check list.

1. DO NOT, and I repeat DO NOT ever BITE the NOSE off a FUCKING FISH. or you are a bad , bad person!

OK, I'm done with the fish handling speech.

Did I mention that on the way to meet Wylie at the Pequest I was a little hungry?

Well I was. And as most of you know that when you come to the intersection of RT 31 and Rt 46
in New Jersey, you are in Buttzville!

Now if you choose to turn Left at this intersection you will pass this beautifully renovated
gas station / Post Office and soon you will be at the world famous "Hot Dog Johnnys", where I planned
on quenching my periodic Birch Beer and Nitrate fix, and had been for the past hour.

See that little mini sign on the right side " Open All Year "
Well they were not fucking open today! as per the cardboard sign in the window " we're on vacation! " .
Thanks Johnny, I hope you choke on a bad clam down at "The Sunset Arms Sleep and Shuck Motel "
on the panhandle .... douche! Dip that in your buttermilk.

You see 2 weeks ago my Doctor told me I have tripped the Glucose meter from green to amber and that I theoretically have " Onset Adult Diabetes " .
Concerned , I immediately asked him if I needed to stop masturbating on a daily basis. He looked shocked,
and said , "of course not, why would that be of concern to you? "
I returned the odd stare he was giving me and said
" Oh really Doctor, I think we should be asking why it concerns YOU! "

I told him. you have to keep these MD's egos in check!

Anyway, we concluded after reviewing my diet that we would start weaning me off some of the bad habits
I may have, and unfortunately "Coke" would have to go. No not that coke, the bad coke that comes in a red can.
So now its been two weeks and I have my first follow up blood test in two more weeks, and I have been cold turkey on that anti freeze they call Diet Coke ( you can not chill this crap, try it, it melts ice cubes in seconds and comes carbonation free. )

So today I figured a Birch Beer , 2 Hot Dogs and a Three Pack of Tasty Cakes would hit the spot as my mid month reward, and besides I was in a different county anyway. Oh, I am still so pissed they were closed!
How are those clams Johnny, keep eating them, there's always a bad one, just keep eating.

I continued west on RT 46 and came to the Crossroads Diner. A classic 1950's style diner, but really from the 1950's.
When I pulled up, I parked along side a huge Truck/SUV hybrid, the Chrysler Gallactica or some crap like that.

As I came around my drivers side of my small SUV and passed the Gallactica's rear end, this fucking cujo dog starts barking like it was watching me eat one of its puppies. It really scared the crap out of me, and in my fragile state that was the last thing my glucose levels needed.

I entered the diner,went right to the counter and sat down, I had been there before but it was just recollecting in my head. It was a decent place and I was just going in to get a coffee to go and a bacon and egg sandwich. That is all I will ever order, EVER, in a diner. Unless of course I am with my buddy Johnny, how about a big plate of Diner Clams Johnny, Yum Yum! There on me pal.

Any way as I compose myself and start looking around, I start realizing something. I'm not in a 1950's style Diner.
I'm in the 1950's. Where is Rod Sterling?
The Big Bopper is playing on the juke box, the lunch crowd are dressed in timeless simple folk garb , there are 45 records hanging from the ceiling and there are a couple of older waitress's with bee hive doo's and those funky cat glasses hanging on their noses. This is freaky.
I am not in the Short Hills mall or NYC at some Retro Diner with $ 15.00 burgers. I have stepped in the wayback machine with Sherman and Peabody and at any moment Richy and The Fonz are gonna walk in.

Mabel walks over takes my order and I continue perusing around. I notice two State Troopers at a booth sporting crew cuts that Astronaut Alan Shepard would have given the thumbs up to.
Than out of the kitchen comes the grand prize winner!
This waitress was not older , she was in her twenties.
She had on White Sneakers, Bobby Socks. A pink poodle skirt ( lease and all ) a white button down sweater,
hair was up with a big silk swag and another one tied around her neck and giant pink glasses. She was right out of central casting.
Now here is the fucked up part. No one but me seemed to notice.

The troopers got up and left, and as if out of a movie, Miss Goo Goo eyes who was clearly sweet on one of the fellas chases them out to the parking lot with some lame excuse that he left too much change or whatever she came up with. Now I'm looking for the camera's.

With that, my order comes, I pay and leave quickly, bumping into the now flush with romantic notions waitress. I skate around her and head to my car. Standing by the rear of the adjacent car are officers Crew and Cut.
Cujo is still uncontrollably barking ( is there a word for a dog screaming because this was more than barking ).

I give them the old "Hi I'm a solid citizen glance" although I am dressed like a pack rat in dirty sweats, and a knit criminals cap. And don't really want to engage in any way ( old paranoia's run deep ).
I over hear the fellas' speculating on what got old yeller so rilled up, but who knows? Dogs will be Dogs.

Than they get in the Truck! And I let them Pull away first.

You see I never saw the writing on the side of the Gallactica, till they pulled out. And I saw it clear as day in my rear view mirror.

New Jersey State Troopers - K9 Unit!

Its Funny how dogs are, always barking and making noise. I've never really been a dog person, plus I am allergic
to them.

I just cant figure out why that dog went so crazy from the moment I pulled up till the moment they pulled away.

Go figure?

I will stick with cats. Cats never talk.

-Ralph-

So Really, Who is next?

Ralph — Thu, 24 Jan 2008 20:58:00 GMT

The Grim Reaper is on the next plane: New York to LAX and he’s pissed!

Right about now Lindsay, Britney and Paris should be running for their lives, like three B movie actresses in Scary Movie V, well they actually are B movie actress at best anyway so it’s not a stretch.

With this weeks score - Grim Reaper 2 – Hollywood – ZERO –

It looks like the periodic culling of the Rich and Famous herd has commenced.

This year things got started early with Brad Renfro and Heath Ledger.

Now I am not a regular fan of the gossip magazines , but regardless of what browser we all pull up everyday , inevitably there is some news of the exploits of the pregnant , Jack Daniels swilling, heroin snorting class acts of today’s stage , screen or song. We are kept well abreast of who is in the top 10 of the celebrity dead pool, and honestly I don’t think Renfro or Ledger were even taken to book. Imagine the odds?

These celebrity death streaks come and go, but I have a feeling this one may have to run its course. The tally count has been running as long as I can remember and assuredly with a little common sense and luck you could pick a winner!

I bet you neither Brad nor Heath fly fished, and if they did, they didn’t do it enough!

I am not going to cast any aspersions as to their life styles because assuredly if I had been donned with a star and a fat paycheck in my twenties, I would in all likelihood be dead, in fact I had neither and barely made it out as things were.

When the rage comes, I can always hop in the car and hit the river. These guys could hop on an Olsen twin and anyone else they wanted, but in the end they had no peace of mind.

I always hope I am lucky enough to kick the bucket in my sleep or while fishing on a stream, but certainly not with Mary Kate and Ashley’s bodyguard giving me mouth to mouth, what a drag.

Hollywood - Get a Hobby!

Fishing saves Lives!

-ralph-

HELP WANTED: Rhinoceros Fluffer

Ralph — Sat, 19 Jan 2008 21:21:00 GMT

While flicking through channels the other night, I came upon a new series on the science channel called
Man-Made Mammals.

Now there was very little information on the info bar, so I figured they were cross breeding various creatures
like dung beetles and rats to make our sewer systems more cost effective.

What I got was more than I could have possibly hoped for.

This was old school gay German bestiality adult entertainment, at its clinical best, (not that there is anything wrong with that.)

One Thomas Hildebrandt and his dream team were tasked with inseminating a Rhinoceros, and I happened to tune in at the seaman collecting part of the special.

One has to ask themselves, how does one apply for this type of position? Is there a lot of competition for the job?
How is the pay? Apparently they had the experience, well at least with elephants, and that clearly made them the
market makers in the narrow field of large animal seaman extraction and insemination.

First things first on the check list

1. Give large animal, really big animal ruffie.

2. Get very large electro vibrating probing device to stimulate the animals prostrate! It was a cross between a defibrillator and something you might pick up in an all night love shop in the west village.
I think they referred to this device the Rhinaculator or Rhinobator, I was laughing too hard to remember it exactly and it was in that thick Germanic accent like the evil dude from the first Indiana Jones movie.

3. Get a very large pastry filling bag to substitute for the yet to be introduced "Magnum Rhino", trust me this will be on the market soon and I will get no credit from the gents in marketing at Trojan.

Well from this point the procedure is pretty self explanatory. The rhino gets doped up and while in a half conscious state, Hildebrandt and his team gear up. While Hans is turning up the volume on the Rhinaculator, Franz "massages" the rhino’s member and a third member of the team with a catchers mask on awaits the "Money Shot" with the pastry bag.

Oddly enough the Rhino did not seem to mind?

Well, at that point I decided to start flicking channels again, clearly it was the females turn next and these types of films are always so predictable

You may all be asking yourselves, what does this have to do with trout? Or rage?

Everything!

If it was not for brave pioneers like those in this series the future of our trout and salmon populations would be at mortal jeopardy to join the ever growing ranks of the extinct.

There are efforts around the globe to catalog all the remaining species of Salvelinus, Salmo and Oncorhynchus and their respective subspecies. The samples they collect today maybe our fish of the future. As the glaciers continue to recede and the Al Gores’ of the world continue to take all the credit for the real work that gets done behind the scenes to secure a future of ecological diversity. We know who the real heroes of this story are. We salute the Fluffers of the Animal Kingdom!

Let’s see them put that in a beer commercial!

Ralph

This is a public service announcement

Ralph — Fri, 18 Jan 2008 14:08:00 GMT

The rage has subsided, but trust me its will resurface...

Last night I attended the Cranford Trout Clubs meeting http://www.crtfc.com/

The Club was formed about a year ago by Mike Rediger, a new friend and a man of action. Mike is a regular
contributor on www.njtrout.com and www.njflyfishing.com

but felt that all this online camaraderie was fine and dandy but thought there was a gap in the Trout Club niche so he just started his own.

The club meets about once a month and usually has a guest speaker with topics ranging from outdoor authors, fishing guides and the usual suspects one might find speaking at a trout club meeting. This Sunday Mike will be attending the Trout Unlimited State Council meeting at Rutgers www.njtu.org/ , where one the meeting topics is converting the Cranford Trout Club to the 9^th New Jersey Chapter of TU. This is a win / win for all parties providing the Cranford Trout Club a fast path to the economies of scale and bandwidth that come with being part of an International
organization with over 150,000 members and 430 chapters. Trout unlimited gains a new chapter whom have already proved themselves a conservation group of action in a short period of time by holding river cleanups, participating with well needed volunteers at electro shocking surveys held by New Jersey Fish and Wildlife biologists and hosting a fishing derby for children to assure an ongoing interest in the sports for generations to come.

The new blood can only do TU well. If you are not a member I strongly consider joining. There is hardly a location with
a nearby chapter, and there is a wealth of knowledge to be gained. I have been an arm chair member for at least 5 years and a more active participant over the past two. Bottom line is that TU needs active members; they have an insurmountable task list including partnerships with local conservation groups including the Musconetcong River dam removal project http://www.musconetcong.org/projects/dam_removals.htm , to managing one of the largest
“Trout in The Classroom” programs in the country, http://www.njtroutintheclassroom.org/. In the State of New Jersey providing conservation efforts in a State that is 20 years from being 100 % “built out“ is a constant challenge, and despite being member rich on paper, they are active participant poor ( see 80 /20 rule ).

Moving on from the unsolicited TU plug, let’s get back to last nights meeting with Matt Grobert as the guest speaker. Matt has been fishing in New Jersey and beyond his entire life, he is an expert. He is an accomplished Fly Tier, writer
and all around Troutie kind of a guy. I had the pleasure of meeting and fishing with Matt last year on the West Branch of the Delaware and in a short period of time have come to call him a friend.

Matt’s presentation primarily covered fishing the major New Jersey Rivers. Where they are and what fly’s to fish. It was a great primer for the Novice through the Expert. No matter what one thinks that they may know about fishing in New Jersey, everyone learned something new.

Matt recently authored a book, “Fly Fishing New Jersey Trout Steams “.

This book is an essential primer for the fly fisherman just starting out and a must have reference guide for the accomplished. It is concise, informative and clearly written text including maps and hatch charts that all should be able to exploit.

As one last note of public interest, The New Jersey Fly Fishing Show is coming up very soon. It is Jan 25, 26, and 27.

http://www.flyfishingshow.com/

-Ralph-

The book is available at many local shops including Shannons and Tight Lines.

More about Matt and the Book...
http://www.amatobooks.com/mm5/merchant.mvc?Screen=PROD&Store_Code=AmatobooksCom&Product_
Code=9781571884176&Category_Code=New_Releases

Trout Rage is open for Business - Come and Get your Love

Ralph — Wed, 16 Jan 2008 03:37:00 GMT

If there are two things left I really enjoy in life, its Trout Fishing and Rage, in no particular order and preferably at separate times but I am generally not afforded the luxury of them being mutually exclusive of one another.

With that a spark of divine ingenious was granted to me, and remained in my tainted synapses long enough for me to rush home and lock up the URL www.troutrage.com, as if that and the other million lame brain schemes of fame and fortune I have had in my life will lead me to three consecutive years without having to re-finance my house and unsecured debt into a mountain of C rated debt that would even make The Donald shutter.

I live in a quaint little bedroom community in Essex County, New Jersey. For the privilege of living here, I get to fork over $ 22,000 bucks in Real Estate taxes per annum. I have a 4 bedroom house on just shy of 1/3 of an acre. When we bought the home 7 years ago the taxes were $ 9,000, and my income was about 1000% higher than it is now, so I have been a little stressed. However I should not complain, in order to not confuse things the town has been courteous enough to exclude services like garbage pick up and sewer etc, so I get to pay extra for those.

Last week when I was drinking heavily to stop from shaking from Mail fear (as I often do in these bleak financial times) when opening up the mail, I was stunned to find a Post Card from the County Executives office. First off, I was happy I was at no risk of suffering a bone biting paper cut, a common occurrence when shaking from mail anxiety, so this was going to be an easy read. And there it was in Blue and Red print. The County of Essex was announcing that for the next month they will be holding a controlled sniper hunt in the 2200 acre reservation I live two houses away from, every Tuesday and Thursday for 4 consecutive weeks.

I am thrilled as I have come to despise the overpopulation of perennial, annual and anything that grows eating long legged lyme tick infested rodents that have infested my surrounding neighborhood. I will finally be getting true value from my tax dollars.
As an added bonus they sent me two of these cards, one addressed to me and the other addressed to the scumbag I found out is using my social security number last month. So as an additional value I now have one more piece of the puzzle to add to that mystery. (To be continued at another time).

Now one may think I am a bad parent for condoning this activity near my home. And I understand your point of view, but you see the county has put up 4 by 4 foot signs about 15 feet up nailed to trees at every possible entrance of the reservation.
How could anything go wrong with competent professional hunters?

You can not miss them and this needs to be done. Well today on my way home from taking the kids to the bus I noticed that our sign was missing. Normally I would blame this on high school miscreants like I once was, but this was not the work of derelicts. These signs were way up in the trees, someone with a ladder took them down. I made a mental note to self to call the county when I got home and let them know as they had provided a phone number on that nifty postcard.

Four hours later as I was blankly staring out my rear window after doing whatever I do sitting at my desk all day, I noticed a small group of deer in my backyard and took a quick goodbye picture.

Well, this was the little reminder I needed to call the county. Funny, I have called the county before on other issues, but this is the first time I got a live human being on the third ring and she was super pleasant. (More tax value!). I was assured the sign would be replaced and to please call if I did not see it up in next couple days, and I will because I really don’t want them to have to drag some dead jogger out of the woods in front of my house at 7:30 am as we are scrambling to get out of the house.

Well, I think I was going somewhere with this. Oh yea, I remember. FUCK PETA

You see, I am no gun nut, in fact I don't even hunt. But these deer need to go. There are something like 50 per acre back there, it’s like a deer orgy with Caligula Deer and Roman deer whores everywhere and I don’t want my kids to see that kind of shit, that’s what the internet is for. I have heard that there should only be 5 per square mile in a balanced ecosystem. Besides, I can't afford any new plants.

What really gets my goat is that I know in my heart of hearts that some animal rights whack jobs took this sign down wearing ninja garb on a ladder 400 feet from my house at 3 am. Why, because they are so fucked up they want someone to get shot to quell the sounds of the poor deer. They really are a bunch of Terrorists. If I was not
over 40 years old, over 200 lbs and generally too lazy, I would go John Belushi, Animal House style double secret probation deep cover back in the woods after they put up a new sign so I could catch the Bastards; however as I said, I’m too lazy.

That brings me to Ingrid Newkirk the head Honcho at PETA.

Squint all you want. The egg doesn’t fall far from the coup, that's her common law husband!
She makes that scowl on Hillarie’s mug look like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffanies.
Anyway PETA and all these well wishing actors that have joined her cause are number one on my RAGE list.

The three that get my goat the most are Alec Baldwin, Bill Maher and Pamela Anderson.

I was at a fund raiser in New York standing in a buffet line with Alec Baldwin in front of me about 5 years ago right after Kim Basinger left him. That fat fuck was loading his plate with something from every chaffing dish with no concern over the protein load he was in taking or how many screams came from the pork processing factory in Storm Lake, Iowa. It’s too bad such a funny guy is such an effected jack ass. He signed onto this cause for a little attention after Kim left him. Get over it Alec, she has plenty of problems and this “I care about fuzzy bunnies crap" aint going to get her back.

Bill Maher, I hate you! How funny are you going to be without the writers? You suck and not a thing you say on that show comes off as natural as you can see your beady little fucking eyes dancing around trying to read the teleprompter. I still can not figure out your motive for the PETA badge as you are obviously one of the most smug, self-centered shitbags in all of tinsel town, you could give two shits about animals, light bulb, its about your image!

Pamela Anderson. I never liked you ( and I’m a bottom feeding pig ) , even at your best on Baywatch. You looked like you had all the work done before you had all that work done. Oh by the way, all that work you had done, was with medical shit that was tested by hammering the shit out of a live monkeys head you dumb bitch. Oh yea, all those meds you take for Hepatitis 12 or whatever the fuck you have , that was tested on snow leopards and baby seals first. But you care about animal’s right? Go find a herbologist to fix your "Aids Lite" you whore. That’s not going to happen, now is it Pam.
Why? because you don't want to fucking die.

You think if a Lion could talk he would say, your right Pam, I should not tear gazelles apart limb by limb and eat their intestines while they are still alive, thats cruel (even though they are really better that way.) I'm so sorry, I am off meat, its grazing for me from now on.

Its impossible to live on this Planet without being a hypocrite, but these PETA folks take the cake.

Me, I am just one guy trying to be part of the solution. So please, please remember do not feed wild animals!

-Ralph-